@Marlebean

Cause of death: Zumba

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@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

@Matt_The_1st

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

@Darlainky

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

@jjhartinger

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@nyquills

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

@thatUPSdude

Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.

Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.

@vivalacrap

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.