the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Cause of death: Zumba
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don’t have to.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs.
Even if you do say “ABRACADABRA” when you do it.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.