Cause of death: Zumba
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
This a good idea
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.