My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.
I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
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I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Only 99 problems?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.