Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
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The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Look at this
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!