@hippieswordfish

CAVEMAN 1: i make this. it called fire

CAVEMAN 2: how u do that?!

CAVEMAN 1: um *thinking about how he was making 2 sticks have sex* magic

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@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

@AndyRichter

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

@UncleDuke1969

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

@Turn2Dude

Never understood the concept of the gift card. For the same 50 bucks you could’ve just give me 50 bucks.

@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@mollymcnearney

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”