Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?
Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Being in your 40’s is playing a constant game of, why does this hurt? Is the color of this ok? Where did this hair come from?
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?