Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
drew a comic about my origin story
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
…..pretty much.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice