CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Okay, I’m still confused…
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
inventing words: clothing
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all