caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Not my job 😂
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks