I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I’m pretty sure they weren’t talking about stupid when they told you, “If you got it flaunt it.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*