Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra