Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there