CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”