[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19