CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
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Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Muppet Screams
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion