cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Tell the colonel to bring it
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen