cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
inventing words: clothing
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Raisins are grape jerky.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.