cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.


My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru


I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.


‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string


Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter


I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!


Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.


Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.


Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin


Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.