@CAshmanActor

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

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@IamJackBoot

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

@kngarou

My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru

@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@BigJDubz

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

@Jarhead44

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

@KateQFunny

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@Chalupanati

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.