You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
cdc: don’t go out
cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs
me: no problem
cdc: [sweating] or restaurants
me: damn. drive-thru?
cdc: still open
me: this doesn’t affect me at all
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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.