@donttouchjames

cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all

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@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

@ilayew

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@ndiquote

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

@JElvisWeinstein

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

@Reverend_Scott

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

@JRehling

Mermaids who never get married eventually accumulate a bunch of catfish.

@fro_vo

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

@LostFelicia

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.