CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
everyone has that one prude friend
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym