CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Important
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING