CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.