CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
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Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.