CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes


*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat


Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.


I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!


*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?


Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia


In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


Someone told me that Harry Potter is supposed to take place between 1991 and 1998 which is ridiculous because not once in seven books does a single character say, “Man the Chicago Bulls are having a hell of a run huh?”.