CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[loses house key, starts a new life]
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Why soy sad?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life