Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You Might Also Like
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Good Morning.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Cats are still liquid.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
RT if you could go either way.