ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Feel. He’s so soft.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
inside you are two wolves
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…