Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere