Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.