@adamgreattweet

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

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@Barknado69

Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

@PeaceInTruth1

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@KyleSmells

i am responds with “baby don’t hurt me”, when someone says “what is love” years old

@ThisOneSayz

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

@Megatronic13

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*