Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

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Avril Lavigne: he was a boy, she was a girl. Could I make it any more obvious?

Me: *still pretty clearly confused* please do


My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains


Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?


Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.


Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey


i am responds with “baby don’t hurt me”, when someone says “what is love” years old


Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.


Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.


[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*