i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
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[guy inventing Captain Crunch]
Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”