Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?


The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can’t really remember what it’s like to not have kids.


remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me


the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here


I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.


My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️


Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.


If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic