@markleggett

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

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@dril

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@TheBoydP

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@Smooheed

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

@redpawn3

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

@ByYourLogic

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

@haleysfalling

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”