Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
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Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”