guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
spot the difference
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great