Is your wife single?
celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.