@bealescore

celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know weโ€™re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼

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@JermHimselfish

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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@butterwolf

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: whatโ€™s your biggest weakness?

Me: Iโ€™ve been told Iโ€™m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

@KevinFarzad

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

@Gentlemenhood

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

@TheAlexNevil

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

@tigergreengrove

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.