Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼
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Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I like that they put Bibles in hotel rooms. You never know when you’re going to run into a vampire who’s on a road trip.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.