
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.