@TheTweetOfGod

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

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@JulesShmules

H: I don’t understand what goes on in your head.
Me: If you prefer, I can quit twitter and just tell you all of this.
H: No, we’re good.

@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@AnkCoupleTO

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

@Gupton68

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

@noog

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

@daemonic3

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

@vtg2

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

@blahdevivre

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@TheNYAMProject

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*