@c12h22o11balls
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
@TheTweetOfGod
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
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@c12h22o11balls
@tastefactory
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
@BoomBoomBetty
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
@fro_vo
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
@sarah1mc
I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.
@ThisLocalHater
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?
@sarcasticmommy4
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
@michimama75
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
@EmmyStar79
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
@donni
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.