Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button


*bees surround guy*
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…


If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.


Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad


I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.


Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you still being hunted for sport?


“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.


Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.


You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.