Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

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My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.


A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.


A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.


I’ve programmed Alexa to turn off the lights and attack me at random intervals so I can keep my karate skills sharp.


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore


Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]


I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.


1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.

1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!

2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*


Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.