Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
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The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
So the ex texted me
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.