Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
S M O L
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
when mom throws a party…
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS