I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey