Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
You Might Also Like
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
This is amazing.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.