me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.