@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

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@Darlainky

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

@inoj41

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

@miffedmim

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

@Sickayduh

Her: I think you’re getting too into those Hobbit movies
Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?

@umer_0000

Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop

@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

@Chip_Lappin

*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry

@briancthayer

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

@yoopnative

“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”

-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.