I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
You Might Also Like
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Worst bar ever.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal