Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?


Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.



I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…


Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.


The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.


Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n


{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.


Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.


Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds


I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.