Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.