Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

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[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm


I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.


Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?


[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox


Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”



Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?


I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?


In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.