Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Me: Good night, moon.
[30 mins later]
Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.