Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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The funk soul brother
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Ken is short for chicken
found my next D&D character name
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.