Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
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Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective