cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Writing, She Murdered.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead