Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.