Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

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I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut


Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.


I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations


It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.


Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?


His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall


When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.


My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.