Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.