@BigJDubz

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

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@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

@Tylerosis

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

@IndecisiveJones

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

@omgshuddup

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

@Cpin42

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

@_steamy_mac

Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.

@kwirkyKerri

I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.

@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.