Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.