Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.
I’m just going to cut out the middle man and start cashing my paychecks at the liquor store.
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.