Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

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[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]

well hello there mister home wrecker


Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k


My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.


[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.


My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.


There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met


Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)


I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.