Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Choose your fighter
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.