[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]
well hello there mister home wrecker
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?
-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT??
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.