@Browtweaten

Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm

Doctor: It’s okay, I can fix it

Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too

Doctor: *cocks rifle*

You Might Also Like

@Gre_Gone

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@Midgetspar

I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

@therealeatwood

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining?

[A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

@ericsshadow

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

@GianDoh

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

@snarkymomtobe

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

@stevevsninjas

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.