centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres