centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Me buying fruit and veg
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.