@MelKassel

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

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@PinkCamoTO

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

@GingerHotDish

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@marinarachael

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@SteveDutzy

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

@thepaulahunt

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

@bonehugsnirony

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.