centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.


The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes


My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.


GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.


Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow


I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying


For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.


A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.