[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*


If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.


I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.


Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.


Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.


Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad


Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no


It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.


robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come