[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky