CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?