CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.